Even though this is sort of a "dating blog"... (mrrrr... kind of) it was never meant to just be endless stories about my adventures in dating. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure where this would go and I do feel as if the posts/topics/writing will develop (and hopefully grow and improve) with time. I suppose the best way to describe this blog is to say that it's supposed to be a little bit about me, a lot about you and a way of describing interactions and helping each other make healthier choices... while laughing at ourselves.
So, why the explanation? Well, coming up, I have some difficult situations to contend with and I recently realized that I am probably not equipped to be in the dating world. In fact, I know that I won't be any good for anyone for awhile. That doesn't mean I won't gladly re-iterate and re-tell what I see and hear about all of you doing and that doesn't mean I won't continue to write about my observations, thoughts and interactions. I just know that I am not ready to (and not capable of) dating anyone at the moment. We shall see where the blog goes now that I've made that choice, because deciding I DON'T want to go out with anyone has somehow made people WANT to go out with me.
When I left my house this weekend, I left comfortable in the knowledge that I did not wish to meet anyone and I was going to start being comfortable and start coming to terms with just being me hanging with my friends. Coming to that realization must have caused me to give off some kind of scent. Seemingly, I now have pheromones radiating from my pores... Those pheromones say, "unavailable" or "uninterested" and apparently that scent is more powerful than a bottle Love Potion #9 made by a gypsy in the back of a wagon. After my weekend, I am 100% convinced that all men have some form of Stockholm Syndrome.
You boys like "bad medicine" and a little bit of mistreatment. It's stupid, but man does it seem to work. This is only the first post in a series of ideas I have about this dynamnic and my intention is cover several topics, geared at both men and women, so don't get all soapboxy and indignant on me. Just sit tight through this post and let the empirical evidence be your guide.
Stockholm Syndrome is named after the Norrmalmstorg robbery of Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstory in Stockholm, Sweden. Several bank employees were held hostage in a bank vault from August 23 to August 28, 1973. During the situation, the victims became emotionally attached to their captors, rejected assistance from government officials at one point and even defended them after they were freed from their six-day ordeal.
Stockholm Syndrome is seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm Syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual’s response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they no longer become a threat.
Yep. That about sums it up.
I met two guys this weekend, both on the same night. I was horribly rude and nasty to both of them. After getting over my initial nastiness, I continued to be guarded and vague. Both of them are more interested in me than anyone else has been in a long, long time. I am now pretty sure, based on my limited "single person" interactions, that all men are suffering from some form of Stockholm Syndrome. It is impossible that a woman could be so frigid and nasty and you would enjoy it otherwise. Perhaps you secretly enjoy being thrashed about a bit, really, that's almost the same thing. Here is what went down:
Guy #1 I meet outside of my favorite place, accidentally. He was very nicely dressed and rather good looking, but definitely a "type". You know, very preppy, button down shirt tucked into his jeans, a blazer and loafers. He made a comment about not really ever having been there before and I mentioned that we (myself and the people I was standing with) came there all the time. He said something like, "There are people who come here all the time?" That didn't sit well with me, so I shot back, "Yeah. We like it here; where do you go all the time, Blackfinn? Maybe you should be on your way there now."
In case you don't know, suggesting he frequents Blackfinn was intended as an insult. That place on Friday and Saturday nights is a meat market for silly girls and douche bags. He actually had to ask if my statement was intended as a slight, which only indicates that he probably does frequent Blackfinn. We continued the interaction, I kept the chip on my shoulder and ultimately he followed me inside, even though his friends already left. Although I stopped being quite so nasty to him, I never really warmed up. When we discovered we knew a lot of the same people, I actually spent a decent amount of time complaining about his friends. He asked me to leave with him several times and each time I declined. He sincerely wanted my phone number and told me if I would agree to put it in his phone, I could put it in with the contact name as "I hate you". So, I did. Well, sort of. I put my first name, then "I Hate You", then my last name. After getting my phone number, he left.
He text me three times that night and again the next day to ask me out to dinner. Now, knowing everything which lies ahead of me and how much I have to deal with, I tried to be nice and just tell him that no, although I was flattered, I was in no position to go out with anyone right now, but thank you very much. I didn't want to provide any details, so I tried to be vague, while still being clear. I was just trying to be cool about it, while being honest. I decided that I wasn't ever going to blow anyone off ever again and that I was going to be an adult about it. I am going to start trying to follow my own advice instead of telling you what I think you should do and then doing the exact opposite. Hence, my newfound attempt at maturity. Well, hence my feigned newfound attempt at maturity.
For whatever reason, he perceived my "rejection" as some kind of challenge and he actually text me back to tell me how attractive he found my unavailability. He told me that usually women want to move too fast, they were entirely too eager and that he was more intrigued than ever by the fact that I didn't and I wasn't. Yeesh.
So, by COMPLETELY unintentionally playing "hard to get" and by having a real attitude that I wasn't interested in meeting anyone, this person is very interested. He text me again last night and if I were a betting person, I would bet that I will hear from him again this week. All because I insulted him and wouldn't go to dinner with him. Although, as I said, I was sincere in not wanting to go out with anyone and sincerity cannot be faked. I wasn't playing a game and nothing about my behavior was contrived. I don't know if that's what made me appealing, but who would want to go out with someone who was mean to them? It doesn't add up.
I had a similar experience with Guy #2, who I was even nastier to (if you can imagine). He was older and still very good looking, but a little rougher around the edges and not quite so polished, which truthfully is more my type. Although, he was not quite as funny as Guy #1. He is an accomplished professional and a rather interesting conversationalist. He started chatting with me and after discovering his age and that he'd never been married, nor had he ever been in a particularly serious relationship, I gave him a pretty hard time.
Me: "So, what's wrong with you?"
Guy #2: "What do you mean? Does there have to be something wrong with me, just because I have always been single?"
Me:"Well, yeah. Yes, there does. So, what's wrong with you? Do you have Peter Pan Syndrome, or are you like psycho or abusive or what?"
Guy #2: "No, not at all. I just happen to really like being single. What's wrong with that? I like doing what I want whenever I want and I like hanging around with my friends just living my life. I enjoy my life and I am very comfortable with myself."
Me: "Ahhh... you're one of those then, huh? So, you're totally self-interested, arrogant and selfish? I know your type. If you don't actually get involved with anyone, then they can never have any expectations of you and then you don't ever have to actually do anything or change anything about yourself."
Guy #2: "Excuse me?"
Me: "You know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't ever have an actual girlfriend, then you don't ever have to change any of your routines. You don't have to hang out with her friends, you don't have to go to her stuff, you don't have to deal with her issues. You can just go about being you and if she doesn't like any of it, you don't have to change, you can just get rid of her, because she wasn't really your girlfriend in the first place. Mitigate your expectations of everyone and everything and then no one can have any of you."
Guy #2: "Wow. Crazily, that's really accurate. Why do you know that?"
Me: "Because there are a lot of you running around. It isn't particularly unique and it's somewhat sociopathic."
Guy #2: "Are you calling me a Sociopath?"
Me: "Sort of. I am calling you sociopathic."
Okay, that is not a normal interaction to have with a stranger. You really shouldn't go around calling strangers Sociopaths (you really shouldn't call anyone that unless they are a diagnosed Sociopath and even then, you probably shouldn't call them that, because you may not want to deal with the repercussions). You shouldn't throw things like that in people's faces and make judgments about their dating habits. I am not exactly sure why I felt it was appropriate to speak to this person in that manner, but it's probably because I thought I didn't I have anything to lose and as I mentioned before, I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder that evening.
Despite my attitude, or maybe because of it, this gentleman not only also aggressively pursued my phone number, but again tried to make-out with me, tried to take me home and tried various other things. I gave him a business card, because, well I don't know, he was persistent and he has already emailed and text me, multiple times, asked to cook dinner for me, ask to meet up, etc. I told THIS GENTLEMAN, in a very candid way, that I wasn't in a place where I could date anyone and similarly to Guy #1 my honesty has only exacerbated his interest. He has actually told me that being honest about not wanting to go out with anyone is appealing and that being able to list some of the reasons why I don't want to or can't was very brave. Really? There is a very "no means yes" thing going on here.... as if he can convince me. Both of them seem like they are trying to win me over. I got another email from him today.
Now, I do not think I am awesome and I am not particularly attractive and I do not have anything really all that special going for me. Seriously. Contrary to what some people believe, I am also not a witch and I do not curse or cast spells on people either. I have no explanation for why any of this would occur, other than Stockholm Syndrome. Not in its most traditional sense, but a version of Stockholm Syndrome. You all want what you can't have. If you believe that a woman will be hard to get, some ancient hunter-gatherer instinct kicks in and you have to work until you get what you want. You will even allow a woman to be MEAN TO YOU in order to get something you view as a challenge to obtain. Unavailability somehow makes everything more precious. Unavailability and difficulty in obtaining items is why uniqueness drives up the value of comodities. Exclusivity, or the perception of exclusivity, makes everything more desirable. This psychological concept is not exclusive to men, but men sure do love a challenge in obtaining women. All of us acquiese to forms Stockholm Syndrome on a daily basis.
Here are some universal examples -
1. Why is it that the "popular" crowd in high school is usually comprised of the meanest and most awful people? They are usually nasty to everyone, even each other and they spend the entire four years competing to stay on top. Yet, everyone wants to be part of them (or would usually accept a place among them if invited).
2. Why do people try so hard to get into private clubs, where they don't know anyone, just to feel uncomfortable and judged by the other members at all the functions?
3. Why do women torture themselves (literally) to fit into the expected constricts of physical appearance placed on us by society? Why don't we eschew them as being ridiculous and somewhat torturous?
All of us are running around, allowing people who are mean to us to dictate what we do or do not want to be part of and what we do or do not find desirable. Everyone is behaving at times as if we not only sympathize with, but adore our captors. If you aren't reading me loud and clear by now, let me make this easier on you - THAT IS FUCKED UP.
I don't want to sound SUPER cynical, but if I were to give advice to a woman on how to keep a man interested and "hook him" at the moment, I would tell her to be icy and seem unavailable. I would hate giving that advice, but apparently, it would work. I would say, "Susie Q, let me give you some advice. All men have some form of Stockholm Syndrome and the way to get him to adore you is to either be sort of mean to him or to ice him out, because he will find you to be a mighty challenge and men can't pass up a challenge."
I know a lot of men who will be totally pissed off by this, who will completely disagree and who will get their feathers ALL ruffled. However, I would like to leave you with this thought... Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong, damn it. I have YET to see the scenario where a chick reciprocates interest and you maintain yours.
Ladies, here is my challenge for the week (just one week)... Project Stockholm. I didn't mean to try this, I was not looking for anything and I DO NOT LIKE GAMES. However, if you are feeling fiesty and somewhat unsuccessful lately with men, then put your sassy cap on and when you go out, see what a little ice princess will get cha. Not saying it will work, but I would love to know how often men will fall in "like" with their captors and how quickly they will chase after what they believe they cannot have.